Why is it so damn hard to relax?

From a perfectionist over achiever's perspective.

This past Monday I had a wide open day off. Normally I’d revel in the opportunity to turn off and spend the day relaxing. Instead, I found myself writing an extensive to do list of things I’ve been putting off and making plans to go to my studio and get it done.

The idea of relaxing the entire day had my body on edge. The alarm kept going off inside telling me to “get shit done”, “you must be productive”, “this is your opportunity to get ahead”, “there’s not enough time” aka “I’m not enough.” (yea, that one bites hard)

As a perfectionist over achiever, I grew up being told I need to work hard to earn success. Whatever “success” means. I was taught that tough determination and dedication is what will give me a happy and fulfilled life.

I don’t know about happy, but it sure does fill my days. Filling it to the brim so that eventually, inevitably, I’ll burn out. Only to then find myself hiding under the covers in the dark watching Sex and the City on repeat.

I brought my inability to relax to my therapy session this week. I came to the conclusion that it is a habit ingrained in me from generations of hard working immigrants. You know the saying, America is the “land of the free.”

Apparently the only way to get free is to bust our ass in a job that we hate, only to go home and bust our ass some more taking care of our family, doing chores, and putting off things that will make us happy. Because maybe, one day, we’ll get to the finish line of happiness and freedom.

I call bullshit.

After rambling to my therapist and spilling to an artist support group, I found I wasn’t the only one who has a hard time relaxing. As someone who spends a lot of time organizing community events where I live (in the U.S.), I’ve noticed many people don’t even want to socialize and spend time in community because most of us are burnt out and depressed. Thus, spinning us in a cycle of work and hibernation.

It’s sad, really. One of the happiest countries in the world is Denmark and there’s some pretty interesting research around why. First off, they work less. Got it. Education, healthcare, childcare, and maternity leave are taken care of. The average Dane is part of 2.8 extracurricular clubs. And no, not for college credit, for actual fun and being a part of the community. Yes, they have astronomically high taxes, but if you’re asking me, I’d rather be a happy human than make more money to spend on material things that drains my bank account anyway.

I learned this all from an article by

Kirsten Powers

. Give it a read:

We Don't Need 'Self-Help,' We Need Support

Yes, take care of your individual self. Fill your own cup before filling others, blah, blah, blah…you know all the things we’re told. I’ve had some of the most profound transformations in trusted and supportive communities.

There’s something so powerful about being SUPPORTED and SEEN. So I asked myself the question, “why is it so damn hard to relax?” My conclusion: because we don’t feel supported. Therefore, on some level, we don’t feel safe.

Safe enough to relax, to receive, and just BE.

We are living in a time where organic deodorant costs upwards of $20, we are constantly bombarded by digital notifications, and lured into doom scrolling on social media. This, my friends, does not provide a safe environment to relax.

So, how can we relax?

This may be an obvious answer for you, but for those of us who can’t sit still, here’s some ideas that might help:

1. Find communities that support relaxation. Maybe that’s a yoga class, an art club, or a community garden. If money is what’s holding you back, many of these communities can be free. They’re out there.

2. Slow down. Literally, do something that you do every day, like brushing your teeth, and do it sloooooow. This was something I learned in my sex, love, and relationship coaching certification, where our homework was to masturbate every week. One of the best ways to receive more pleasure (that I’ve found) is to slow. the. fuck. down. That goes for everything in life, not just sex.

3. Instead of doing 10 things on your to do list, try doing 1 or 2. This was my therapist’s suggestion. This is usually my go to solution. Ween off constantly being in production mode.

4. In

   James McCrae
   ’s new book The Art of You, he suggests an entire day of doing nothing. I’m not going to lie, this is arguably impossible for someone like me (hi, I’m a generator in human design and I like to produce). So instead of an entire day, try 5 or 10 minutes of relaxation, and keep increasing that time.

5. Go for a walk without your phone or on airplane mode. Notice what you see, hear, touch, smell, and taste. Drop into the present moment and notice how relaxing nature can be. This is one of my favorite ways to relax.

6. BREATHE. Close your eyes, put one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly. Take a deep nourishing inhale and a long, SLOW exhale. Do it now.

7. Make art. When my body wants to relax but I feel energy stirring inside, I turn to art, specifically messy, mindless, and playful art. I’ve found talking during the art making process helps my mind stray from the incessant need to make things perfect. Thanks graphic design career!

The cosmic joke of it all? The more we relax, the more efficient we can be during production time. I’d love to know, what are some of your favorite ways to relax? Hit reply or leave a comment. ❤️

With a relaxed heart,
Olivia

P.S. Join me on Sun, June 30th for Liberating Through Art: a class that guides you to RELAX and release thoughts, emotions, and energy through art. If you're already subscribed, you will receive the class link. If you're not, hit that subscribe button and consider upleveling to join ongoing classes in the future. 22% off until 7/11🌹